My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.