the council will decide your fate
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman: