Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie