Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital