Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣