In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
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guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me