My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.