I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Stop sending me this shit.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.