Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.