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My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.