you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
You Might Also Like
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.