The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.