My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda