New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
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Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Doctors texting each other.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.