When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Body by Oreos
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records