Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.