of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
this is so top tier i cant
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Baller is short for ballerina
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
men, we mow at sunrise.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
not seeing the problem
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.