I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
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Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury