Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
yeah not falling for this one
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.