god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
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“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Home #decor warning.