What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Cool shirt 🙂
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns