Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
🛁
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Seek kebab; not attention
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.