At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
You Might Also Like
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
good morning
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event