My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No