You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
This did not end as expected.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED