-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.