Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
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There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much