I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three