My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
What a year we’ve had this week.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.