Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
When can I start eating bats again.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious