Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.