Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage