I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
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If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Dolls on drugs
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.