I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
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Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I’m too immature for adultery.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.