People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”