My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Just why bro?!
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.