Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”