*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
You Might Also Like
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Living the best life.. 😊
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”