You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner