WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”