Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Time for evil
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.