I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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