A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
live, laugh, laundry.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.