I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
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I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Just had my nails done!
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”