When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy