My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
This dude got his own movie?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever