it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.