[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
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watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.