[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Don’t talk down to me
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.