A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
What the hell is going on?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.